A Love Letter to The Mountains.

Dear Mountains -

Who would have thought that what I had been searching for my WHOLE life was under your nose the whole time?

Honestly, I thought that it would be in a big city with bright and shiny things. I thought it would be full of fireworks, bells and whistles, and dramatics.

Then, I started dating.

No one told me dating was a nightmare. But somehow, you knew. I'd been in your presence for 10 years and you were hiding what I needed all that time.

I still thought it would be bright lights and a big city that would bring me that SOMETHING. That something that would GET me. That something that would UNCONDITIONALLY love me. That something that couldn't get ENOUGH of me. It would only make sense that someone with all that world knowledge and awesomeness would find me in the big city.

I think God sent you a message, Mountains. "Here, you keep this. I want you to nurture it, challenge it, and watch it. There's a purpose for it."

Come on, be honest, you knew what was going on all this time. I mean, I passed by you and over you and through you PLENTY of times for TEN YEARS.

It's okay, I'm not angry. How could I be angry at you?

It's funny because I think back to all the random things that led to your gift to me. Hitting on a dude who had no interest in girls, going to a drag show, and then going to said dude's house to meet his love interest at the time.

You can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor. Or can you? If you know, could you let me know, so I can stop documenting people as evidence to my hypothesis?!

Anyway, in June of last year, you decided to introduce me to what you had been holding on to for so long. A quiet ginger whose eyes I trusted immediately. (Shh...don't tell anyone, I've never let that secret out). He didn't say much, but I assumed he thought I was the epitome of a hot mess that wouldn't shut up. That trend continued the following month when he spoke a little more to me.

He actually saved me from bats, which apparently, you also hid from me. Seriously, Mountains, BATS?!

Once again, I had my sights set on big lights and the big city for what I needed. I went on more bad dates when I finally called it a year early. (See, Mountains, I have this thing where if I've had a sucky year with boys, I give up on them December 1st through about March. In 2011, I gave up in late October. I had to make that executive decision.)

There were other plans, this time made by Tobey. Dinner and putt putt golf, which I learned I'm horrible at. The quiet ginger came around with more of a voice and put a smile on my face. He made me laugh...we had FUN. What?!

Unfortunately, none of my hints/flirtations worked on him. Maybe you nurtured him too well, Mountains. So, I shrugged it off as an L and went on.

Then he asked me out, through facebook; which would be extremely odd and unacceptable had it not been our only way of communicating. What stuck out to me, however, was the politeness of the words. "Sure. It only took you a week to figure out the messages I sent, but let's do it."

I didn't say those words to him. Just thought it to myself.

Before we go any further, Mountains, can I share something with you? I know God had you hold on to it for me, but did he tell you what my prayers were? Okay, here it goes:

My whole life I've wanted to be unconditionally loved. I completely sure I had that unconditional love from 2 people; my grandparents. My perception was that the love from other sources wasn't unconditional. Whether it was just perception or reality is a question I fought with for a long time before deciding it didn't matter.

Anyway, I prayed for what most people want-UNDERSTANDING. I prayed for someone to GET me and STILL LOVE me. I wanted someone I could trust with me. Someone that would look at me and say, "it's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt. I'm here to hold you."

The last time I felt that was June 3, 2001.

I never really searched for it, but there had been candidates over the year and I'd try to see if they had it. There was affection and caring attitudes, but all conditional. Which is fine, but I NEEDED more.

I NEEDED substance. I NEEDED someone who didn't take themselves too seriously. I NEEDED someone to ADD to my awesomeness. I NEEDED someone to understand my sarcasm and fake cockiness. I NEEDED someone that wouldn't freak when I had moments of weakness. I NEEDED support, warmth, a smile. I needed something I hadn't experienced before.

So, I prayed. I prayed and even added a "pretty please" at the end. And even though I understood the concept of, "He's an on-time God." I really just wanted my prayers to be answered when *I* wanted them to be and HOW *I* wanted them answered.

Silly me.

Now, going back to when you finally released my gift to me.

I didn't go into this first date with too much optimism, but I didn't also didn't it treat it like any other first date I had been on. My thought process was, "welp, if this doesn't go well, I'm truly starting my BOYcott."

It went well.

So did the second date.
The third date.
The fourth date.
The fifth date.

Next thing you know, we're going away for the weekend together and he's comforting me through some major pains.

Then we went away for five days, and spent about six together and I didn't want to leave his side at any moment.

Somehow, we end up going to my home and meeting my mom and more of my family.

And he's there to comfort me when I'm afraid my body is going to betray me and not allow me to do the things I want to do. He was there to comfort me before surgery when those mean doctors would only allow the useless Tylenol to enter me.

The man took out my weave at one point!

Insanity.

He saw me at my best and I think my WORST and the only things he could say were, "You're so beautiful" and "I love you so much."

MOUNTAINS!!! WHY DID YOU HIDE THIS FOR SO LONG?! It reminds me of a song. I wonder if you've heard it before:

 

I went through a period awhile ago and I couldn't understand him. I couldn't understand why he would continually feel that way about me. I think it was the FEAR of this being SUPER-SERIOUS. I thought, "why would this man love ME no matter what? Honestly, what does he see? Why does he always want to be with ME? What is wrong with HIM?"

It's strange, Mountains. It's strange how insecurities will creep up and almost ruin what you've prayed for and what you've been blessed with. I had to sit in front of a mirror for hours and weep. Somehow, somewhere I lost some confidence and I lost love for myself. And as RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else..."

Amen.

I had to remind myself of the pain. I had to remind myself of the struggles. I had to remind myself of how much I've had to survive; about how much I've had to FIGHT for some love through the years. And there he was, always with open arms. There he was with a kiss on my forehead. There he was with a shoulder, a chest to cry on.  "You don't deserve that?!" I rhetorically asked myself.

I have this hard exterior, Mountains. It gives off this superwoman vibe. This vibe that says, "I am strong, PLEASE put everything on me. PLEASE give me your problems and I'll help you solve them ALL the time."

My interior, however, has constantly been screaming for help, for love, for a hug for so long.

He has seen that and has helped so much. When I look in his eyes, I feel like I'm home. I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel like nothing in the world can touch me. I can totally see why God had you hold on to him for so long. I needed to be ready for this. I needed to be mature enough. I needed to really know how to APPRECIATE it.

I love him so much. I do. I can't help it.

He shares in my dreams (and even my delusions) and he is pushing me to do them. He sees talent, he sees what I have a hard time seeing on my own. He makes me a better me. He makes me feel like I can can knock down all sorts of doors and he's someone who is giving me the tools to do them.

Do you realize, he doesn't let my head leave the pillow without telling me he loves me and how beautiful I am? I mean, eye boogers and all...(he may need glasses.)

I am a lucky woman. A very lucky woman.

And I know he may not believe like I do. And he may not believe this, but I KNOW that God sent him to me. I know that He had you grow and raise him for me. My prayers have been answered.

It's exactly a year later and I feel like I fall for him every time those big green eyes stare at me. It's exactly a year later and I can sleep through the night for the first time in over a decade because I finally have peace.

I love him because he's exactly what I ordered with a twist.

Mountains, thank you so much. You opened my eyes to see my future in his. I'm indebted to you.

I love you, Boone Sours.